Day 2: Starting Slow

Bobby is on his way to Iraq and my counter officially begins tomorow. The reality of separation doesn't hit immediately. In the beginning it feels like a business trip and I expect to wake up and find him sleeping next to me. I've learned that it typically does not sink in for the first few weeks and when it hits, it hits hard.

I am about to tell you something that may well be the oldest argument between military members and their spouses. For as long as I have served I have overheard arguments between husbands and wives. Here is the gyst of it:

Military member: "Babe, I am about to leave for a year. I'll be away from you and the kids, sleeping on cots and in coffin racks. I'll only have email once a day and I'll miss being home for Christmas! It is definately harder to leave you, than it is for you to stay at home!"

Spouse: "It is hard for me to be left at home. Everyday I have to be Dad and Mom, I have to do everything with the house, the kids and the dogs, and I have assure the kids that you haven't forgotten them and you will come back. I have to wake up alone Christmas morning and watch the kids without you! It is definately harder to be left behind!"

So the question remains, "Is it harder to leave or be left behind?"

Ladies ... Gentlemen, as both a military spouse who has been left behind and as the military member who has had to leave, allow me to answer this question for you. It is harder to be left behind! There, I've said it. I'll explain. I didn't say that it is easy to deploy, that is not true at all, simply that it is harder to stay.

When we deploy each day is a challenge. We work 7 days a week, more than 12 hours a day and only a random day to relax. This may sound cruel, but the reality is that by keeping us working we are always prepared to do our job when called to act, we have little time to dwell on our sorrows, and the time flies. As odd as it sounds, we know that things change when we are away, but we feel as though time has stopped at home. Time stands still. Each day is full of work, eat, sleep and repeat. Weekends are those things we used to have back home.

When left behind the dynamic is different. It is true that our days are not spent wondering if we will live to see another day, but it is spent wondering if that government car will pull up today. Every day we wake up and notice "Something is missing". Everything is a reminder that he/she is not there. When our wee-one has a bad day and wants to know "where is Mommy/Daddy and why did they leave? Is it my fault? When will she/he be back? I want him now! Boohoo! Waaaahhhhh!", we have to find the strength to give the hugs and reassure them that Mom or Dad will be home and that they love them more than anything. It's hard. When life at home remains the same with something missing, the loss is more accute. It is harder to be left behind.

I won't leave you on a sad note. I have tricks of the trade. Since I am the left behind today, I'll tell you what I've done for Bobby. Our youngest daughter Noelle is 6 years old and has her Pop wrapped snuggly around her little size 1 pinky. Noelle and I sat down to make Pop a card from her to send with him. This idea comes directly from a little book called "A Paper Hug" by Stephanie Skolmoski. We traced her hands on construction paper and cut them out. We measured her arms from one hand to the other and cut a ribbon that long. We connected the hands with the ribbon, making a paper hug the exact size. On the back of one hand we taped a picture of Noelle and Pop and on the back of the other, she signed her name with a heart. On the palms of both hands we wrote the following rhyme:

When you're feelin' lonely

And you need a little lift-

Wrap these hands around you

And you'll feel my special gift.

I know you're far away

And I know you'll need a hug.

Until you're home one day

these hands will keep you snug.

Tuck them in your pocket

And keep them 'til you're through,

I love you, Pop, so much,

Here's a hug from me to you.

Love Noelle

It will make a grown man cry and tug at the heart. I can promise you that the paper hug is packed gingerly in the massive camoflauge bag that is loaded on that plane for Iraq. Those personal little notes from home have always meant more. So take the time to draw a special picture or pen a personal note and drop them in the mail. I know we have email and 'snail mail' is 'sooo yesterday', but I promise you that reading a hand written letter lets us feel as though you are near.

I can't close this ramble without making one important observation. I have already told you that it IS harder to be left behind, but it gets better. Ladies, I'm sorry, but it is ten times harder for Dads that get left behind. I hate gender stereotypes, but ladies, we are a little more at ease working, and taking care of the house and kids. Guys... not so much. Guys just aren't as comfortable joining play groups, room parent committees, or, God forbid, shopping for bras and underwear. I have tremendous respect for those men strong enough to remain married to military women like us.

So goodnight Bobby, I'll see you in my dreams.