If I'm going to write a blog about being a military woman, I guess I could tell you a few things about being in the military. When we deploy in the military there is always some anxiety about where we go and what we do. We can't always say where we are going or when we will be there. OPSEC, or Operational Security, is the reason we can't talk. If you remember in Desert Storm when Giraldo Rivera was embedded in a Marine unit outside Baghdad, he drew a map in the sand, that was broadcast live via satelite to CNN, detailing where he and his unit were in relation to Baghdad!? (insert explanative) You might also remember that he was out of that country within 24 hours. Telling anyone where we are is like painting a large bullseye on us. Terrorists are not just poor men with guns in the desert. They hack computers, intercept transmissions and imbed spies in the most mundane locations. In the Navy we say "Loose lips sink ships".
But... there are ways to talk without talking.
I do not ... repeat ... DO NOT advocate the following method for conveying any sensative information. Here is how Bobby and I communicate places and times without naming either. Bobby and I relate all dates in relation to something else. Here is how we 'talk without talking'. Our daughters Birthdays are: Brittney-February, Beccie-July and Noelle-December. Ours are Bobby-November and mine is Rhonda-March. (Remember that) Our birthDAYS, in that order, are Brittney-24,Beccie-9,Noelle-2,Bobby-20, and Rhonda-15. We turn the communication of dates into a simple math problem. This is also a great learning tool for the kids, by the way, and can get them interested in figuring out the problem. I'll give you an old example.
Ex). Three years ago when Bobby was last in Baghdad, he called to tell me the specific day of his return. We knew that conveying dates over the phone is a big no-no. Here is our conversation, let's see if you can figure out the date, time and location:
Bobby: "Rhonda, I think you should make a hotel reservation for Noelle plus zero plus 17."
Rhonda: "That's great. Noelle's party is at 4:00, what time should I have the guests arrive?"
Bobby: "Tell them to get there about four and half hours early to check in because some are coming in from LaGuardia and you know how your aunt Delta is when she has to wait."
Rhonda: "I do know."
Okay, how did you do? If you guessed December 19th, arriving from New York on Delta airline at 11:30, you got it.
We developed a code. By using dates and relative locations we were very familiar with, we were able to tell each other things. Very cool tool, just don't abuse it.
Here is the solution to our scenario : Noelle = December, plus zero = it's in December, plus 17, means it's her birthday, 2nd, plus 17 days = 19th. The time I suggested was 4:00, he would add or subtract to meet the time he arrived. If it is US Airways we have to be creative with that 'airhead cousin of mine". LOL Have fun with it, but BE SAFE and don't relate anything sensitive!
Sometimes the communication we have isn't fun, but necessary.
We always assume that we will come home safe, but deep inside there is always that nagging anxiety that we may not. Our spouses feel that same anxiety. Problems often develop for younger couples because they cannot cope with the fear. With most military couples we deal with that fear by not dealing with the fear. We pretend it doesn't exist, tuck it into the recesses of our brains and change the subject.
My husband Bobby and I have 9 deployments between the two of us. Admittedly, not always while together, but we have a combined total of 9 deployments we've had to deal with the anxiety. Our experiences and maturity have forced reality into our vision. We talk about our fears and discuss them, just in case.
In the summer of 2008 I prepared to deploy overseas. Before leaving we attended to the deployment norms: Wills, Power of Attorney, Financial responsibilities, the coming year's school plan, etc. This time things were a little different. This time, I felt the need to talk about my fear. I sat down with Bobby and we talked. It's an awkward conversation that most people never want to have, but we did. I told him that if I didn't return there were certain things I wanted attended to. I outlined how and where I wanted to be buried, specific items I wanted to be presented to which individuals, etc. I even wrote letters "To be opened in the event of death", that I left in a sealed envelope. (Those letters were destroyed unopened when i returned). It was an emotional conversation for both of us, but when it was all said and done, I was glad that I did it.
Just before Bobby left last week, he called me into the bedroom and sat me down. He started our conversation with "I want a day of music if I don't come home". Bobby loves music. He sings, writes music, plays guitar and loves the days he performs with his band. If I had to define Bobby in a symbol, it would be a treble clef. I knew that when he asked for a day of music, it would be a day of Bobby in our hearts. We discussed his wishes, just as we had mine. It is a sobering moment. I know Bobby will be back home in 397 days and I know that we might have that conversation time and time again throughout our military careers, but we also know that we must.
I guess my point today is that communication is always key to staying close to your family. It can be fun, educational, or sobering, but at the end of the day you are closer together.
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